Don't Be Afraid of What You Fear, They Say, and How You Feel In the Moment
Have you ever found yourself lost in the midst of your own thoughts? The kind of thoughts that make you think about what would've been, or should've been, the kind of thoughts that if we dwelled on them to long, we'd find ourselves focusing on all the mistakes that we've made. That's what regret is. It's the topic that no one really likes to talk about and our ego's keep us from acknowledging all the wrong turns we've made in this life. My decisions in life are things that I think about often, and what I've come to realize is that when choosing love, careers, and friends you're actually choosing the landscape for the upcoming events in your life. Not every choice that we make in life will bring us happiness or any closer to things that we are in search of; we'll never have all the answers, only the universe has those and I've never heard anyone say she was willing to answer any of our inquiries. So I've learned to keep my questions to a minimum and just keep chipping away at things. Sometimes I wonder if my compunctions will finally create a metaphorical fist and punch me in the face.
And then I think to myself, "I haven't taken many risk at all." Most of the times I avoid the big decisions, whether it be out of fear, what conclusions/assumptions people will make about me, or just because of the sail boat feeling in my stomach. One of the biggest decisions I've ever made in my life was to relocate to Dallas; I moved here initially for a woman I had grown quite fond of, she had the most captivating smile and the most enticing eyes. I had really never thought about leaving Texarkana (my home town). I had no logic of doing so until the day I met her. Shifting to Dallas was one of my biggest fears, not just Dallas, any major metroplex. I didn't feel like I was equipped with the right tools to survive in the city. I didn't have a father to teach me the rails of what life is like to be a black man in the Southern part of this country. I didn't even know how much that even mattered until I stepped into manhood. And even though I wasn't prepared for love or the city life, I adjusted well. I bounced back from a broken heart and I created a steady path to manhood for the adolescent inside of me. This is one experience that I don't regret at all, because life taught me how to be a man, and it also taught me, sometimes in this life we are meant to love more than one person.
I've learned a lot more along the way, like how not to worry so much about others impressions of you. I'm actually still learning how to do this, especially when it comes to dating outside of my race. Interracial dating of any kind is something that is more accepted these days, but there are some out there who still find it as a confrontational issue. Finding love should never be something judged so harshly, but in the court of public opinion, it's just that. There have been several occasions over the last 10 years of my life where I've had the opportunity to date someone of another race, and I've done so, but it never flourished into anything, always cut short by my own hand out of fear of the publics opinion. What will "Black America" think of me? What kind of stares will I get from the White, Asian, Hispanic community for dating one of "their" women? That's exactly how they view it, as their women, even though there may not be any blood relation.
My choices in the dating department have been pretty solid to say the least. I've always chosen a woman with goals, ambition, financially stable, and can stand on their own two feet without the help of a man. But I have failed in the department of choosing based off of the only component that matters; and that's choosing love based on attraction and chemistry. I'm attracted to women outside of my race, just as much as those that look like me, and it's for no other reason than just the simple love for all women. Although I have allowed societies views to restrict some of my decision-making, I feel that I'm finally turning the corner on how to go about choosing the best relationships for me and only me. Through all of my failed relationship attempts, I've walked away with one important lesson, and that's to love someone, anyone who gives you reciprocity, no matter what check box they scratch in the nationality column.
When it comes to living life, and living it to the fullest, do just that! Without regret, sometimes without second guessing yourself. Make a mistake, cry about it, write about it, and then be prepared to make another. Soon enough one of those mistakes will position you for the greatest success you've ever experienced.
So choose to live. Choose against everyone else's opinions. Don't allow your mistakes or short comings to define you, and always know that your delay, is not your denial. My advice to you, is go and live this imperfect life and make thousands of phenomenal stories how you failed at something so much, but continued to get up, until that one day you stepped into your season, and became as beautiful a person as you are today.