New Year, Ex-Girlfriends and My Truth
I've always been one to over think when it comes to writing my truest thoughts, like, who will it hurt, who's actually going to read all of this, and who will take a story meant for someone else and make it about themselves? Today, I decided to just write, and not about anything in particular, but just about what's going on in my head. The new year is here! Along with it came several unannounced phone calls from ex-girlfriends, and flings. Some of them, I am honest enough to say that I've missed, and some of them even if I missed them, it's best not to make them aware. Some people would say, "If you still have feelings for them, why not just tell 'em?!" Well, when that person never belonged to you in the first place, and they were just a pit stop in life, and someone else's wife, it's just best to keep those words/thoughts to yourself. It's not even "her" that I actually missed, it was more so her sexual appetite and need to please. I'm not the type of man to miss someone so easily. I'm more of the, "what have you done for me lately" for me to actually miss you, or what do you bring to the table that will make me need you after the time in your hour-glass has run its course? To some that sounds harsh, and others may relate to it. I wanted to write today because this new year brought an unexpected phone call from an ex of mine, that quite frankly, I thought I would never hear from again. She's the type of woman who really doesn't need a man, but actually wants one. A 35 year-old successful doctor, a great house, nice vehicles, and more friends and family than one could hope for. And here's the kicker, she doesn't even have any kids! We didn't end things on the best of terms, but there was no love lost, yet seemingly some to gain. Her resurfacing was not only a surprise to me, but it brought a certain comfort as well. After a break up where much wasn't said, and I felt like everything that happened ended up being my fault, she reassured me that it wasn't. For someone you felt you crushed and poached everything emotionally, to come back and let you know that you are forgiven, and that you left a lasting impression in their lives, that's a great handful to deal with.
But in the last week, I have taken that handful in stride. The conversations we've had allowed me to know that I am bigger than my mistakes. It's funny when someone who you hurt still holds out hope for you in the love department. I don't know if that hope is that my heart will find hers, or hers mind, but I appreciated it. I often look myself in the mirror and wonder, what woman out there could possibly tolerate me? Who can give me what I am so desperately in search of?
My mother often tells me to pray about it, and that's all fine and good. I believe in God, but I also believe that some things that happen on this earth are because we will them into fruition. Last night I laid in bed with my thoughts and a half bag of Doritos and I came up with nothing, and sometimes, nothing is ok. We can't always force things to happen, patience is the key. I don't mean that in the sense of just waiting and doing nothing, but actually waiting for the correct pieces to simply fall into place. Sometimes we can be so bent on pushing and pulling things, away and towards us, that we're actually altering those steps put in place by a higher being.
Here's a little truth, I've always wanted to be a family man, a man who teaches his son the ways of life, a man who never leaves his daughter, and shows her what respect from a man looks and feels like. To show my wife or a significant other that love doesn't have to be a train wreck, or an obstacle course, but that it can be straight forward, honest, and true. I've never really cared about the race of my wife, girlfriend, or significant other. I only care that she loves me unconditionally, and knows that love cannot grow without reciprocity. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, I've been hurt and I dealt my share of pain to others, but we're all here for a bigger purpose than ourselves. I feel it will do everyone some good if we searched for that "something" that's bigger than us.
What's your truth?